Q: What is the difference between Stan Stammers and Elvis Costello?
A: THE ENTIRE SPECTRUM OF QUALITY EVIDENT IN 80s MUSIC
"OMG!" i hear you say. "How do you know such an interesting fact as that?!" Well, you, it's because a while ago i read the Virgin Encyclopedia of 80s Music. This crucial volume indexes every single album released in the 1980s with absolutely no exceptions, and also rates every single one of these albums with between one and five stars. Thus is created, within the book's mere 544 pages, a definitive record of all 80s music, and how good it is. Because i greatly respect empirical musicological research, while i was reading it i made a note of all the albums it gave five stars, and of all those it gave one star.
Since then, i have been harbouring my list in top secret - living, i suppose, in fear of what would happen if such a beautifully pure source of fact fell into the wrong hands. Can you deal with this degree of objectivity? Recently, however, i have decided that this is a stupid question, and so i have decided to publish the list on the internet. Here it is.
A: THE ENTIRE SPECTRUM OF QUALITY EVIDENT IN 80s MUSIC
Since then, i have been harbouring my list in top secret - living, i suppose, in fear of what would happen if such a beautifully pure source of fact fell into the wrong hands. Can you deal with this degree of objectivity? Recently, however, i have decided that this is a stupid question, and so i have decided to publish the list on the internet. Here it is.
FIVE STARS | |
ABC | The Lexicon of Love |
Eric Clapton | Crossroads (best of) |
Elvis Costello | This Year’s Model and Imperial Bedroom |
Fred Frith | Guitar Solos |
Michael Jackson | Off the Wall and Thriller |
Joy Division | Closer |
Kraftwerk | Trans Europe Express |
Madonna | The Immaculate Collection (best of) |
My Bloody Valentine | Isn’t Anything |
NWA | Straight Outta Compton |
New Order | The Best Of New Order |
Pet Shop Boys | Discography (singles collection) |
R.E.M. | Automatic for the People |
Stone Roses | Stone Roses |
Talking Heads | Remain in Light |
Richard Thompson | Watching the Dark (best of) |
ONE STAR | |
Cher | Two the Hard Way |
Christian Death | Death Catastrophe Ballet Live and The Decomposition of Violets (live album) |
Phil Collins | Dance into the Light |
Eek a Mouse & Michigan And Smiley | Live at Reggae Sunsplash |
Genesis | From Genesis to Revelation |
LaToya Jackson | From Nashville to You |
Malcolm McLaren | Swamp Thing |
John Mellencamp | Nothing Matters And What If I Did |
Freddie Mercury | Solo (a 10-CD box set) |
Milli Vanilli | Two X Two (remixes) |
Napalm Death | Live Corruption |
New Kids on the Block | Merry, Merry Christmas |
Klaus Nomi | Simple Man |
Hazel O’Connor | Live in Berlin |
Ottawan | their entire recorded output |
Quiet Riot | Quiet Riot |
Sex Gang Children | Ecstasy and Vendetta over new York and Re-enter the Abyss |
Sigue Sigue Sputnik | Dress for Excess |
Spandau Ballet | Diamond |
Spear of Destiny | a live album |
Splodgenessabounds | Live and Loud! |
Shakin’ Stevens | Merry Christmas Everyone |
Curt Smith | Soul on Board and Mayfield |
Theatre of Hate | three albums whose names i didn’t write down |
Tiffany Dreams | Dreams never Die |
Toto | Absolutely Live |
Transvision Vamp | The Little Magnets Versus the Bubble of Babble |
Tygers of Pan Tang | Burning in the Shade |
Ultravox | Revelation |
George Winston and Meryl Streep | Velveteen Rabbit |
Steve Winwood | Junction 7 |
So then. What can we learn from this? What can't we learn from this? Maybe it's hard to say. It is pretty interesting, though, that apparently everybody is wrong about My Bloody Valentine: it turns out that their best album is not, as a thousand other best-of lists would testify, Loveless, but rather Isn't Anything. And as mentioned, Stan Stammers is one unlucky guy, featuring in both Theatre of Hate and Spear of Destiny, and hence being on a total of four of the decade's very worst albums - this is more than anyone else, as far as i can make out. Unless you choose to count every one of the ten discs of Freddie Mercury's Solo separately, which i wouldn't recommend. Not that i've listened to any of it at all though obviously.
Can we generalise much about music in the 80s, on this evidence? We can certainly say that it was often not a good idea to release live albums - they ended up comprising almost half of the decade's worst crop, and none at all of the best ones. Christmas albums, even when by the delightful Shakin' Stevens, were also a dangerous game to play. It also seems evident that more good music was made by individuals, and especially guitar-based individuals, than by bands with aggressive or stupid names. And that it was over twice as easy to be exceptionally crap as to be exceptionally good. And that this is especially the case if you choose to count every one of the ten discs of Freddie Mercury's Solo separately. Apart from that, i think the facts speak for themselves.
Can we generalise much about music in the 80s, on this evidence? We can certainly say that it was often not a good idea to release live albums - they ended up comprising almost half of the decade's worst crop, and none at all of the best ones. Christmas albums, even when by the delightful Shakin' Stevens, were also a dangerous game to play. It also seems evident that more good music was made by individuals, and especially guitar-based individuals, than by bands with aggressive or stupid names. And that it was over twice as easy to be exceptionally crap as to be exceptionally good. And that this is especially the case if you choose to count every one of the ten discs of Freddie Mercury's Solo separately. Apart from that, i think the facts speak for themselves.
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